Friday, December 19, 2008

It's morning like these...

when one wonders if it's a good idea to start smoking again.

The scene: in bed, 3 a.m., baby wants to be fed, but no way can baby be hungry, baby just got fed at 2:30, baby's diaper is clean, oh, but now, baby has peed all over "sleep sack," all over sheets, so much urine out of such a tiny infant, quiet baby, please be quiet baby, shush baby shush baby shush. Take her, the wife says to her husband. Finally. Exhausted. This same song since 8 p.m. Take her before I throw her. Husband, in despair, not believing wife could say such a thing, husband who sleeps on the side of the bed where he can't hear every cry and grunt of infant, husband who knows wife will wake up to comfort infant, will pick her up, latch her on, let her pee anywhere she pleases. Wife tries to comfort husband: You know I would never throw her, and of course she wouldn't, I wouldn't; she's read it in all the millions of books: this is a normal feeling: it's that 3 a.m. feeling, that oh my god what if my bones fall out because my skin's too tired to hold them kind-of-feeling, that I've stared at you all day long little girly bird and I love you more than anything in the world so can't you let me sleep for one hour straight kind-of-feeling, that barter-with-God, barter-with-self, barter-with-child (I'll let you stay out all night for prom! Please just forty-five minutes). Husband says, Maybe you should give up dairy. Wife imagines pouring the milk down the drain, walking around the corner to the deli and bellying up to the counter for a pack of smokes, make that two, ah heck, just throw in a third. Gave up dairy, she could say when her husband came downstairs and found her burning wildly on the couch: her head on fire, her heart aflame, smoke seeping out of every inch of her. Gave up dairy for good.

5 comments:

little miss mel said...

Isn't it great when one post can be titled "Bliss" and the next can be about thinking really awful things if you don't get 2 hours of sleep in a row.

It was not long ago, and yet a small portion of it was last night even, that I was in your exact shoes. There are times when I wanted to run out of the house and never look back or throw the baby out the window. Luckily, they were just thoughts, but sleep deprivation can do that to you. The MASSIVE CHANGE in your life can do that to you. The fact that HIS life has changed, but not really can do that to you.

Ah, Nicole. I wish I could take away your 3am's for you. And, the pee part, AGH!!!! What do I do now part? Dude.

It will get better. Just keep that head down. :)

Erryn said...

I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure smoking will not help with the newborn madness:) Just hang in there. This time will pass. Soon you will move on to fun things such as total melt downs in Target unless she is allowed to have the ugly ass glittery Dora shoes.

It's not all easy or fun but I can say for certain that I wouldn't change it for all the sleep in the world. Love you!

Erica said...

Help is on the way!!! I'll take a night (or 2 or 3) when we visit. She and Jonas can have a sleepover :-) This happened to us, too...that was the point when Dave started sleeping in the guest room with Jonas for 1/2 the night, and I took him the other half. It WILL get better. I promise!

Andrea Luttrell said...

Poor thing! I mean you, not the baby. My mom told me about this "no sleep" stage. I had colic when I was an infant. Apparently, I rarely slept. So much so that my avidly atheist mother actually convinced herself that I was the Devil's baby. And she didn't believe in the Devil. Now she thinks I rock.

I wish I were there. If I were, I would take the baby monitor into the guest room, have you ready some bottles, and take Eva duty for an evening. Since I'm not there, just know that I'm sending good thoughts in the Calhans' direction.

As for the smoking. At least 2 days out of 7 during I grad school, I fantasize about buying Marlboro Lights! Sweet sweet nicotine, you siren, you.

Anonymous said...

"With your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody."