Thursday, September 25, 2008

When Weight Watchers Goes Awry

Dad: So, I think I'm gonna just keep on losing.

Me: Dad, don't get crazy or anything.

Dad: Just another ten pounds or so.

Me: I mean, I don't want you to become anorexic.

Dad: No way, Sis. You should see my gut.

Me: It's not about the gut, dad. It's about control. It's the mind. Besides you probably don't even have a gut.

Dad: Wanna hear me fry up some turkey bacon right now? Will that make you feel better?

Over the phone line, I hear only the faintest of sounds, probably just Fiber One nuggets knocking against the porcelain bowl.


Dad said...

I read this yesterday afternoon and told Linda when she got home that I needed to prove to myself as well as to the naysayers and name-scandalizers that I still had it in me -- that I, as a former certified ice cream eating champion (just ask the biggest liar I ever knew), could still stand elbow to elbow with the likes of Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut and stuff myself just like the good old days.

Sorry I didn't respond to this last night, but I was in a sugar coma. Now that I'm lucid again, I'm happy to report that I'm still capable of ingesting anything and everything that's within my reach and fit for human consumption, so I'm pretty sure I'm not anorexic, although I still wouldn't mind dropping another 5 or 10 pounds.

Joe Hefner said...

When I read this, I couldn't help but smile. I say keep it going Pappy..take it all the way, whatever that may mean!

Natalie said...

I thought the long-ago mentioned Cici's pizza eating contest would never happen, but now I'm hopeful.

Unfortunate Logic said...

i'm going into competition with your father, my alter being.

it's the responsible thing to do so that we still reflect each other fully.

Anonymous said...

we had our baby.
she ate right away.
it was a definitely surreal experience.
she is beautiful.
chloe joy martin.
best to all...
-dan martin

Nicole Callihan said...

Pappy--glad to hear you're been on something akin to a Krispy Kreme bender! Diana, glad you're embracing your role as alterego. And Dan, o Dan, congratulations! Was it scary? Is she your first? Do you love her more than anything already?

Anonymous said...

yes. we absolutely love her to death!
she cant come home until monday.
yes. our first.
and yes. it was quite scary.
but it all worked out in the end.
dont worry yours will go fine.
and it will be all worth it.


Anonymous said...

Hi Mr. Dick Hefner. Long time no see. I remember the last time I saw you I fractured my hip jumping over a railing that was a ten foot+ drop on the other side. yes I used to be an idiot....and my favorite pastime seemed to be proving it over and over again.I saw your website and am overjoyed about your music making. I still make a lot of music myself and hope to get a youtube channel or myspace page where i can showcase some of my stuff soon. just had a wonderful baby though and it might be awhile. you were always a great inspiration to me. you taught me the "c" chord you know...
glad you are well. love to you and linda.

Anonymous said...

the above was from dan martin, by the way.

Dad - Richard Hefner - Dick Hefner - Whatever said...

Hi Dan... thanks for the personal note and congratulations on the new baby! You weren't half the idiot I was at 18, but I guess it's all subjective. I do remember the fractured hip incident (and the subsequent cane). We still laugh about the T-shirt you were wearing when you and Nicole stopped by on your cross-country tour. Remember that? The one that said "Sorry about your daughter."

I didn't realize I taught you the C chord. Joe and Bryan have both told me that you were a really good guitar player way back in the day. Glad to know I had a little part in the learning process! When you get some songs recorded be sure to come by my website ( and sign up as an artist. We've got almost 3,000 artists on there now and would love to have you. Just give me a yell if you need help, but it's mostly fill in the blanks.